like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
