I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
