This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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