if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
