1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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