This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
