You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im holly from the hills drunk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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