I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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