i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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