I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
