so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
