your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
