you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
did i walk over a car last night?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
