I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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