So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
