the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
