Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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