I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
