the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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