I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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