ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
