i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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