there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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