so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
