I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
