u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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