dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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