Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
