it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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