Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
