Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
