I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
