Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
