Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
