I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
