you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
