so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
