The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
