I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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