My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
