I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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