She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
