plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
