Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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