I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
