I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
