I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You don't make any sense
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