Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize