did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
