nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
