So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
