Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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