Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
