drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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