$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
