I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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