elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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