I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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