Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
