I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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