I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
