someone threw a dead crab at me
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
